oh. dang man.

i'm so bloody scared. i screwed up royally for the oral! serious. i was stammering my way throughout the whole thing, and it's like, i couldnt complete a sentence before pausing to calm my nerves. i mean, it's like no tone variation, and i couldn't even think of a passably smart answer. and, it's like. i was so nervous, that i started hyper-ventilating, and my mind was completely blank. and, yes, i broke down completely after that. how great was that. i guess i shall be expecting to fail chinese. shit.

and taxis. so bloody unreliable. taking that day i was late; that day that miss chua screamed at me; when it was like so totally uncalled for!. okay, that's another story. okay, back on track. i called for a cab, and being so typical, they put me on hold, playing stupid music. then it took blood thirteen minutes for the taxi to arrive. and it's like, when i called for the taxi, taxis started to appear on the streets! WTH. then, that taxi driver didn't know the way to go, and completely got lost at broadrick/goodman/chungcheng there. i spent a good 5-10 minutes there! and the total fare was like $10!! while, from my east coast to my school should only be about $5++. WTH. then. that's not only the first time. it's like today. the taxi took it's own sweet time, and when he could actually turn, he just didn't! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? that's not the only thing. more and more stories. but, i'm too lazy to type it out.

i don't know what's up with me and those nightmares. it's like so real. like i wasn't dreaming at all; and i was actually living through it. it's those that you wanna wake up, yet you can't. i was feeling like i was paralysed; like i couldn't move at all. i was comanding my eyes to open, but they weren't, but, i know they were, cause i could see. it's like i couldn't get up, even though i was telling myself to. like; there were shivers oing down my spine. electrical charges flowing through my body. that creepy. and this happened once i closed my eyes. and when i got up, sweating; it was only 40 minutes later. eerie.

today, was sucky. i just couldn't calm down. plus, tonnes of people saw mr tearing. but, the plus of it all, was that there was this extremely hot, shag-worthy, causcasian chick. i promise. she was drool-worthy hotness. that hot. and, i don't pass off these kinda comments to just about anybody. i have good taste, in women, that is. HAHA. but, with guys. they are just little toys. ((: so yeah.

hmms. i've been wondering. am i being to hung up? but whatever. i feel somehow that.. nvm. i need to get myself sorted out. dang man. i'm so very pissed with myself. i can't believe what i've done. what i've somehow morhped into. yet, i'm not even sure if i changed at all. this is all so confusing. BUT YEAH, WHATEVER.

i owe tonnes of homework. english compo, which i have no idea what to write about. so yeah. i know it shouldn't be so dramatic, or primary-schooly and such. but, i just don't have the time to do anything about it. i can't think. i've been very dizzy/giddy/feel faint and such today. i don't know why. like my legs are heavy, i'm light-headed, my neck aches... and i feel terible. sighs.

manda.

i dont feel color today.

plus. there's some stuff, that i just can't seem to get out of my mind. is it true?

TAXI'S ARE SO UNRELIABLE!

how am i supposed to trust in the singapore taxis now?

more of that later.

i'm off to meet caleen to go to school for my O' LEVEL MOTHER TONGUE ORAL!

dang man! i'm so nervous, i think i will pratically stammer my way through the whole thing. and, it's like desmond lim is before me, and shirley after. i'm in the middle of two of the best chinese speakers. can you imagine? it's like from very good, to horrendous-ness, to the very best. GOSH! ookay; i'm so psyching myself out here.

anyways. got to go. can't leave caleen waiting at parkway alone. haha.

laters.

first day of school sucked. it really did. firstly, i was late, but on purpose. didn't know that wileen would take that long. haha. i was a nice person and waited with her. see, i can be nice! NO, strike that.

i AM nice!!

HAHA. ((:

anyways, tonnes of stuff happened. she was not back; kinda not surprised, or anything. but, it's sad. it's not the same. anyways. too many conspiracies. we should just let things flow, right. i mean. too many cooks spoil the broth, plus, the more we meddle... yet.. and, we don't even know if it's true or what's true and what's false, or anything in fact. so yeah. shall we just leave it up to fate?

school's wierd. somehow. many people changing. or is it just me? i don't know. but, it feels wierd going to school again. but, really, alot's changing. i don't even feel like attending school anymore. but, that's not new. i'm beginning to fear. fear everything. i mean, school stuff. i'm scared that i will do badly, and not only disappoint myself, but everyone around me. it sucks. yet, i have no motivation to do any studying at all. ain't that bad? sheesh. and, now, i have some screwed up friendships, that i don't even know what's going on. maybe, i'm just reading too much into these things, but, yet, maybe i'm not. gosh. girls really do think too much; i do have to agree to that. but, what is a one to do? i don't know. i'm just relly confussed i guess. i mean, somehow. i don't know what to think anymore. it's just so wierd. can't we just go back like before? i mean... yeah. whatever.

i need motivation. would anyone care to provide some. plus, i have many pending assignments that i have to hand up, and i don't even know what assignments they are! can you believe it? what kinda student am i? i really need to buck up and pull up my socks.

PLUS, above all these, this one thing has been going on in my mind. i just can't seem to forget. i somehow just can't. it seriously sucks. but, it's like somehow, i know nothing will/would/can happen, but, the extremely optimistic part of me. still hopes. i'm building castles in the sky. just great.

and, i'm losing faith. i'm not proud to say this, but, i've been sinning. i've drifted far away. i've backslided. i can't even hear Him, or talk, freely. i feel guilty. i do. now, everytime in church, i feel lost, like i don't belong. does this make any sense at all?

i'm feel so frustrated and such. i'm getting my knickers in a twist for so many things, all at once. i don't even know if my ass can take all that friction. dang man. what the hell am i talking bout. i need help. i really do. i know i've said this millions of times, yet...

nevermind.

xoxo

manda.

i'm waiting for some miracle. i really do need one.

anyways. dang man. school starts tomorrow. so not looking forward to it.

please let me fall sick tomorrow. i don't care what, as long as i'm unable to go to school tomorrow. haha. ((:

i'm still thinking of him. i just can't seem to forget. dang! and, i know that nothing can happen, but somehow, i still hope. just great.

manda.

well, i just got back today and went to this chic restraunt, moziac, which serves fushion cuisine. brazillian and japanese. quite nice. speaking of brazil, did anyone catch the football match yesterday night? the

brazil vs japan

one? 4 goals! HAHA. crazy. i thought they would only score three. fortunately, i didn't place any bets.

anyways, i didn't really enjoy myself. well, surprise surprise. i didn't even get a decent tan! and, the snorkelling wasn't much fun. but, it was okay. especially for some reason. ((: HAHA. and, of course, the sunset! ((:

for some reason; i can't help but think about him. i think i seriously need some distraction.

anyways, on this topic. guys seriously (gasp) CANNOT be trusted. what a big surprise there! i know this may be a little over generalising. but, somehow true. i shall elaborate tomorrow. now, i need to have a shower and hit the sack. i haven't been sleeping well, especially while sharing a super single size bed with your little brother cause he doesn't wanna sleep anywhere else. sweet, yes. but, very difficult to find the right position to sleep; out of fear of squeezing him and the fear of rolling off the bed and hitting your head against the bedside table. haha. oh yeah. my elder brother is back for the weekend! i'm somehow elated. i'm enjoying the little time that i've spent with him so far. hilarious army stories. together with the stories from my uncle's and dad's time. i laughed so hard that there were tears, and my cheeks hurt so bad. haha. more tomorrow.

loves.

manda.

well, i just got back today and went to this chic restraunt, moziac, which serves fushion cuisine. brazillian and japanese. quite nice. speaking of brazil, did anyone catch the football match yesterday night? the brazil vs japan one? 4 goals! HAHA. crazy. i thought they would only score three. fortunately, i didn't place any bets.

anyways, i didn't really enjoy myself. well, surprise surprise. i didn't even get a decent tan! and, the snorkelling wasn't much fun. but, it was okay. especially for some reason. ((: HAHA. and, of course, the sunset! ((:

for some reason; i can't help but think about him. i think i seriously need some distraction.

anyways, on this topic. guys seriously (gasp) CANNOT be trusted. what a big surprise there! i know this may be a little over generalising. but, somehow true. i shall elaborate tomorrow. now, i need to have a shower and head for the sack. i haven't been sleeping well, especially while sharing a super single size bed with your little brother cause he doesn't wanna sleep anywhere else. sweet, yes. but, very difficult to sleep; out of fear of squeezing him and the fear of rolling off the bed and hitting your head against the bedside table. haha. oh yeah. my brother is back for the weekend! i'm somehow happy. i'm enjoying the little time that i've spent with him so far. hilarious army stories. together with the stories from my uncle's and dad's time. i laughed so hard that there were tears, and my cheeks hurt so bad. haha. more tomorrow.

loves.

manda.

apologies for the long absense. i've been extremely busy.

i love those 3 days that i've spent with freda, tho the extremely short time, and it ain't enough, and we didn't take enough photos. and having such an unreasonable bitch of a mother, i had to sneak out on one of those days. actually two of them. but, whatever. we went shopping as usual, but didn't have enough time to do the rest of those stuff that we planned. anyways, i have no time to post the photos, but, in the next post alrights?

then, there was rhapsody I. by broadrick's very own choir, indian, malay and chinese dance troups, and the school band. it was quite interesting yet boring too. but, mostly boring. took tonnes of pictures at victoria concert hall and along clarke quay. it was fun. getting our inner sluts out and cam whoring. oh, and i'm getting pissed by cabs. RARHH. but, that will be in another post. not enough time now! haha.

okay, i've been crappy and this post is highly nonsensical and short and not that interesting. but whatever. i have not enough time now!

anyways, i'm going off to redang, i think. and my brother will be back when i come back home. YAYS! ((:

i think maybe, i will actually try my best to enjoy this. even with such a family. but yeah. whatever. i can't be bothered. there are other much more important things.

later ya'll.

-

loves,

manda.

went to town with my mom, aunt, sis and little bro. well, all i have to say is that going shopping with them ain't such a good idea. went swim suit hunting for my trip. gosh. i can never show my face at tannlines ever again! i'm so embarrassed!! before that, we went for lunch at barkerzin. which was quite fantastic. except for their chocolate souffle and that chicken thigh thingy. and, my younger brother kicking up a fuss for not wanting to eat there. crying, kicking and throwing tantrums. at that point of time, yet my mother was still trying to please him. wth. and, i had absolutely no idea where to put my face right there and then!! okay, back to the food. well, first off, i'm not a fan of main courses which are too sweet, and the chicken was just that. the sauce was just too sweet for my liking, and it was a disappointment after my sister's olive oil fettucine and pork escallopes and my brother's mushroom and cream linguine. the flackey pizza wasn't that bad, but i will stick to original style pizza. tho, i have to say, the warm chocolate cake with that melted chocolate middle, one of my all time favorites, did not disappoint me at all. yummy! haha. ((:

anyways, i have to go take a shower now, i just got back home and my sister just came out of the bathroom. haha.

anyways, the bryanboy webbie is,

http://www.bryanboy.typepad.com/

yep, so that's it.

laters.

gosh. i'm sick. so bloody fantastic i tell you. my sister spread those germs to me. right now i'm suffering from a very sore throat, running yet blocked nose, fever, hot, watery eyes, coldness, feeling extremely tired and grogy, and the list goes on. i can't even think or speak properly.

when muhd called me just now, he thought i was drunk. can you imagine? i was in such a bad state. now, i can't even type properly, or eat properly for that matter. even yawning takes the energy out of me and causes pain to my already inflamed throat.

how are we going to have a confrence later i don't know.

anyways, i was thinking. you see those blogs like bryanboy and pink is the new blog, owned by trent. they somehow get paid to do their jobs because of all the ads on their blogs. this is because of their blogs being frequented. they are first off, gay, no offence, but, they are also very opinionated and gives the latest gossip in tinseltown and diss celeb mishaps and stuff. which is cool and all, but yeah. ain't that cool. you get paid to do stuff that you actually enjoy. the next worse thing is that colin and kero's blog will get publicised. gosh, so what are we waiting for?

i know the last paragraph is nonsensical. but, just bear with it.

okay, all that medicine is getting to my head.

good night ya'll.

still waiting,

manda.

-

went to the beach yesterday with maz, ade and richang to cycle. we debated for a very long time, before making a final decision, and, let's just say we didn't have much cycle-time. haha. but, i had a great time none the less, and it was hilarious the way they came up with such brilliant plans. HAHA. ((:

melvin saw me. i have no idea if that is a good thing or not, so yeah. tho, it's leaning kinda on the negative.

then, after that, freda called, and we had a long, long chat. i know that i'm this super crazed person, cause i think of so many things at a time, it's like my mind is in many, many dimensions, and i know i have to chill sometimes, but, i just can't help it sometimes ya know. i kinda know it too, cause, i've been sufferin from some sort of insomia, it's like i toss and turn in bed, like for probably 2 hours, trying to find a comfy and decent position to sleep in, which i rarely do, or i will collapse due to exhaustion from all that useless tossing and turning. and, i sleep very lightly, and will wake up in the middle of the night, and find trouble falling back to sleep. not only that, but i dream extremely easy, so how am i supposed to have a good nights' rest? and, what's more is that, i can sleep for 12 hours, and still wake up feeling lathargic and dead beat. and, all of this due to my overworked brain, who ain't wanna stop working. and, i'm so hyped up and can't slow down that i can't even sit down to study. which can pose as a huge problem, but, i will sort this out.

and, ya know what freda, i really want to, and i know you know how sg's school life is like, but, somehow, even if it's somewhat similar, it's different at the same time too. if that makes any sense at all. and, it's like, there are also bitches. but, i can't see why, and, i'm at the edge. i don't know how much more of this kinda shit. but, i seriously don't like these stuff, and this kinda feelings.

what's up with me and me getting used and thrown away. it seriously does not make any sense at all. cause i'm super duper nice. not to blow my own horn or anything. and i know i can be a major bitch at times, but it ain't always, so what's their deal anyways. i wish for it to all stop, but, ya know what, in this world, there is no such thing.

manda.

yddwell, for starters, i had a great saturday morning yesterday, when i finally met up with freda and wendy. xuan couldn't be there due to a class trip to kuantan, wherever that is. we had breakfast at yakun, that kaya and coffee place at parkway, and for the first time ever, i was the first to arrive, (can you actually believe it? HAHA) and had to wait for them for at least 20 minutes. but, it was alright, cause, i managed to have some time, doing my own stuff. HAHA. then, it was off to the airport to fetch freda's indo friends who came down to surprise her. how sweet right? HAHA. it was their last trip, as she ain't staying in indo, but off to LA!! and, it's all planned by her darling. ain't that sweet. LAOGONG! WHAHAHAHAHAHA. okay, she's so going to kill me, but i couldn't resist! HAHA. ((: i can't wait for our sleepovers and stuff. plus, we all shall go out one day soon, yeah. shall talk about it tonight. ((:

okay, on the other hand, i have some real crappy friends i do have to say. i know i can be a bitch at times, but thanks so much yah. that's all i have to say.

today, was a real bore, i didn't go to church, and i'm feeling real guilty about it. i haven't missed a single session in this whole year. but, for some reason today, i just couldn't get out of bed. so yeah. i think i really disappointed my grandma, but, i think, i'm much more disappointed in myself. so yeah. but more or less, i've been at home, watching telly, catching some winks, and did a little reading. boring.

some more shit has been happening lately, sadly. and now, somehow, cause my parents are expanding their company to other parts of asia, this thing of going to china to further my studies, is much more of less crashing. cause, the main point of going overseas is to get away from them, so if they're going to china, which most probably gonna be it, or indonesia, which i don't really think so now, i won't really get away from the madness, right? dang. plus, since they're renovating their salon soon, they'll be home now!! how the hell am i going to do my stuff now, i wonder.

i haven't been running in ages, maybe tomorrow, if the weather gives, and if i manage to wake up, i will go for a run. maybe it'll clear my mind a bit, so i will finally be able to think properly, and not so muddy feelin', and make the right decisions and choices. i'm absolutely knackered for some reason.

later ya'll.

first off, i have to apologise to my dearest freda for not being able to fetch you from the airport and have dinner as planned. some shit happened at home, so i had no choice at all. but, remember, breakfast at nine tomorrow!! haha.

well, today sucked. firstly, i woke up late, and got a good car-ridelong lecture from my father when he saw me waiting for a cab. then, when i finally reached school, class just ended, a good 40 minutes early! so i was, pissed. then when i reached home, so much trouble boiled, and for the first time, in quite some time, i saw my elder brother cry. and, no, it's not because of ns. well, it's all thanks to my dearest father. cause of him, not only was my elder brother reduced to tears, but so was my sister. well, i don't needa say bout me. anyways, can't you just leave him alone, he's just going to ns for goodness sake! i mean, can't you just give him some peace before he leaves? then, he went on threatening my sister and i and threatened to slap her. HELLO! gosh man. he is such a fucking bastard. i know, the advice i've given to others turn to crap here. i know it's like at the end of the day, the only ones that you really have is your family, but, ya know what, i can choose which family members i want right? i don't need the whole shitload. i mean not now. gosh. this is really infuriating.

i mean, at home, somehow, i live in fear. ya know. i have never argued back, tho i wanted to so much, cause i know i will be in their presence much longer if i actually did and some other reasons. i mean, in my mind, all the comebacks are there, but, it's just not spoken. it's like, i runaway to my room, or some other place in the house once they're back home. i'm also scared of just asking them whether i can go out, or if i need some money. and even if i did, i know their answers and sometimes, i literally have to beg. i've tried, ya know, just to accept, to be understanding, but they are just being unreasonable. but, sometime soon, i know, i'm going to blow.

i've gave up long ago, at least i think i did. i want.. i don't know what i want now.. but, somehow, i'm always hurt by them, and what they say, those little thoughtless things they say. tho i said that i've forgiven, but i know, that deep down, some part of me hasn't. i know that inside, there is this little girl inside of me, hoping for the best, for that perfect little family, those that she saw in those disney classics and movies and in fairytales. she's just daddy's little girl, yearning for his approval, for his acceptance, for who she really is.

manda.

OMG! is britney really spitting with kevin???

http://www.entertainmentwise.com/news?id=17961

please say it's true!!!

if it is, i will believe that wishes do come true afterall! HAHA.

okak, i know this is seriously out of the blue, but, i thik as lame as this is. i think it actually made my day. ironic.

gosh. how low can i actually stoop to?

this is so unlike me.

-

-

i will be counting the days,

manda.

i didn't go to school today. my sister and i talked til extremely late last night. tonnes of catching up. i caught up on lost sleep too. i woke up at 1.30 and went back to sleep at around 3.40 and woke up at 6. i've been such a pig. haha. i need to start studying. the plan of at least studying 2 hours a day ain't working. just no motivation at all. but, i don't wanna screw up, so i'm definitely going to do what i have to do.

i'm contemplating on buying some of my aunt's vintage stuff, like this old fendi bag. but, i'm not sure if it suits me, or if i'll wear it after i buy it. so yeah.

when i was _____ yesterday, i wrote this list.

things that puts a smile on my lips.
- seeing elliot playing his air guitar and making his voice high and screechy to make it sound like the guitar solo of his favorite queen's song.

- the great things HE does. miracles and stuff. ((:
- when he pecks me on the cheek and says that he loves me. and when i say he, i mean elliot.
-when nadine hugs me and says those 3 words, "i love you"
-thinking of all those dumb and crazy things all of us did/do/doing.
-XUAN FREDA WENDY!!!
-those sweet memories. ((:
- heart to heart with my sis.
- travelling.
- aimless long bus rides/train rides.

- long runs in the morning, exploring my estate.

- those childhood dreams and fantasies.
- thunderstorms.
- the sky. clouds, stars, sun, moon and all.
- sunrises // sunsets.
- bikes. riding on them, so on.
- my brother, marcus. his good side, i mean. the days where he piggy backs me, makes me laugh, teaching me how to cycle and rollerblade, tompanging, cycling around our estate, brainless banter, riding on his bike, esp at night, having fun in bed: telling jokes, stupid stories, talking all night.of course, this is when we were young, for those dimwits who think awry. him meeting my boyfriends, now exes, and grilling them! HAHA! that was fun! wrestling!!!childhood games, nights playing with fire, rockets, cycling, lanterns, playgrounds, and this one time when he saved up money for weeks just to buy me an ice cream pop, those multi coloured ones, with that lion on the wrapping. but, all this is in the past. except maybe for the bike rides.
- elliot telling me to be careful and not to get caught in the rain cause he just saw me eating tonnes of medication and vitamins.
- my great grandma, may she rest in peace.
- shopping sprees.
- mama.
- my gonggong and the coffeeshop. half boiled eggs and coffee in condense milk cans. and cause he stopped smoking after my bro and i persuaded him not to.
- june: gelare day,cooking and those crazyass plans we made!! btw, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!!
- music and dancing! it's such a pity i gave up ballet, tap, chinese, modern, and the list goes on! HAHA. can you actually imagine me doing chinese dance? what a sight! haha.
- schemes nadine and i make.
- photography!
- art.
- thinking of you. ((:
- giving. ya know what they say bout the joy of giving. so true, but only to those people. and on certain occasions.

- dry british humor.

- baking, cooking...

- doing nice, fluff stuff.

- london.

-sunshine and beaches.

-
-

things that ruin it all.

- my parents.
-those hurtful, daggerstotheheart stuff they say.

- thoughtlessness.

- being stood up.

- pissing stuff.

- elliot ticking me off.
- nadine argueing, spying, stealing..

- unresonability.

- betrayed (okay, this word sounds super ah-lianish), cheated on.
- fooled.

- loneliness.

- being misjudged.

- failure.

-

-

-

ya know what. i don't know why some people can be dumb enough. i mean, i'm not a bloody hypocrite. i don't say one thing and do another. what kinda person do you think i am? what kinda person will that make me huh? please. well, i was such a fool. i thought i knew you well, HELL! i thought you knew me well enough. well, i was wrong. i don't need this kinda shit now. so, i'm just going to ignore everything. whatever.

and i will never touch those horrible stuff.

-

anyways,

i shouldn't think about this things now. i have stuff to look forward to.

firstly,

FREDA'S COMING BACK TOMORROW!!

i'm so bloody happy!! i have so much to tell! gosh, i have no idea where to begin!

secondly, WORLD CUP starts tomorrow! so much memories. HAHA.

thirdly, SCHOOL FINALLY CLOSES!! ((:

loves it!

haha

one thing tho, my brother is leaving for tekong tommorow. i guess, it's kinda sweet and sad at the same time. sweet sadness. if there is such a thing. i love him. i know that. but he can be such a bitch at most times. i don't know how i will feel. it will be wierd i guess, with him not argueing with me and not telling me to unlock the toilet door. i will definitely miss him. that's for sure. i'm not heartless.

manda;

every single day of my life.

i thought i kicked the habit.

i know i did.

then why?

cheap thrills and temporary highs can't fix anything i know that.

then why?

i am/was pissed.

i am so bloody pissed i tell you. i'm beyond pissed. i have not been this pissed in a very, very, VERY long time. it surprised me, cause i CAN keep myself simmered down. this was entirely a different thing. it also ruined my bike ride. and i absolutely love my bike rides. i was so pissed that i craved for some stuff so badly.

well, all i can say. two bloody years down the drain. more than that in fact.

why? cause i was bloody stood up. not only that, that bloody person switched off her handphone, after getting cut off. SO, I AM PISSED.

i was out, somewhere far from my house, and that persons couldn't have the smallest decency to at least speak to me properly.

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL.

now i regret.

i craved, and caved.

i can't believe this could actually happen to me again.

-

-

my heart beats faster.

there's a burn at the back of my throat.

i start to shake.

my brain seems to be liquid.

i can't type properly.

sweet tasting lips.

i'm high.

blow by blow, i'm losing complete control over my life.

well, i do have to say, fuck this shit.

-

-

i hate you.

i hate this smell.

i hate this taste.

i hate what you manage to do to me.

i hate it that you reduce me.

so why don't you just rip my heart out

and tear me apart.

ain't it better like that?

make me the cold unfeeling bitch

that everyone makes me out to be

at least i won't be able to feel the pain and hurt anymore

no more tears.

no more anguish.

no more.

i want what they have.

that's what i say. i am not proud to say, but i'm envious of people. and that's not good not good at all. i'm envious of all the things that i can't do. those kinda things. some of the things that i just can't stomach. those of you who know what i'm talking about, good for you. others, stop guessing. i know i'm being very vague and all. but yeah. superficiality baybeh!

haha.

i'm gonna collect my sister from the airport now. okay, collect sounds real wrong. i mean fetch then. okay.

i know that i'm vommiting the words now, so sorry. and, i think that this post makes absolutely no sense and it's not glued, so sue me.

manda.

before i start, this is my marvelous chocolate souffles rising!! contrary to popular belief,

i CAN COOK! and i repeat, I CAN COOK!

so, shut up! haha. ((:
they were absolutely yummalicious! thankyouverymuch.

today has been one helluva crazy day. but i enjoyed it thoroughly. loves it. ((:
we went to ecp, where i TRIED to write in my journal, well that went well. then, mattie, muhd and i went have a sushi feast, then went to meet caleen at katong shopping centre to bowl, well, i have to say, that i suck at bowling! haha. then, we went absolutely nuts and started taking pictures, and doing crazy stuff. haha. i shall upload some, if i find out how to later! haha. ((:

caleen and i. in the girls' room yet again.

muhd and mwen.

caleen and mwen. PLEASE STOP ACTING CUTE HUH, turn off! haha. kiddin. ((:

now, this is hilarious. HAHA. i just love caleen.

manda, caleen and mwen. loves it!

for one, i don't know why it's lopsided, but i'm lazy to make it right! haha.

me and mwen, you can guess what we are doing to muhd.

i have absolutely no idea what we were doing. haha.

now, there's another person who knows. well, i ain't sure if that's much of a good thing. but, yeah.

gosh. i can't seem to get completely over. but, whatever.

anyways, i have stuff to look forward to now! xuan's calling later!! ((:

but, for now, i shall stick to superficiality.

loves,

manda.

there's definitely something changing within me. i can somehow feel it. i'm melting.

well, so much for numbing myself.

who can i actually blame for all this shite happening? i think that i only can blame one person. myself. i mean, it's my fault i can't keep these feelings in check. i can't seem to control, and i see my life spinning wayward-ly, and i somehow can't seem to get it on hold. i need spincontrol. gosh, i need help. will someone save me?

on a much, much lighter note,

my chocolate souffles were a SUCCESS!! HAHA. ((:

i'm super happy, since it wasn't the way it was supposed to be, cause it didn't boil, when the recipe said it had to boil, so yeah. i think, i will but a little less egg in too. haha. i just love baking. ((:

and, my little baby cousin erika, just can't be any cuter! haha. when i was watching cartoons with her, she fed me popcorn, without me even asking her to! haha, ain't she a doll! it's just those little things in life which makes you hold on, just a little longer.

gosh, when i do have the pictures, i will sure post them up. but, now using this camera, i have no idea how to upload those pictures here, so yeah. haha. i'm just such a computer dud.

-

nighty night ya'll.

missing you.

manda.

-

-- waiting // longing

for what's to come,

just hoping for the best

-

-

but, the heart knows reasons that reason knows nothing of.

it has been a lazy sunday. i've been thinking about lots of stuff. and, today at church, i think i've found my new target!! haha. but, it's complicated, got tonnes and tonnes of other stuff. plus, to make it all worse, i don't have my sister here to talk and crap to. dang. i'm missing my sister. haha, since when do you ever hear me say that?? haha.

hmms, i think i'm gonna go do my chocolate souffle. YUM!! haha.

i miss you,

manda.

i met up with irene yesterday. it was mightly fun. haven't talked to her in ages. it seemed so difficult to tell her stuff. i don't even know where to begin and there were many, many awkward silences. well, she promised me to bring me to zouk one day. she said that MOS sucked anyways. HAHA. i just love that bitch.

god man. i don't know what's happening to me. i can't seem to think or form any coherent sentences or thoughts at all! i can't think properly at all. my brain is here and there, disintergrating into many pieces. god!

i just love sad, sappy movies, those tear-jerkers. it makes me cry like shite, thus giving me reason to cry, cry my heart out. and no one will actually bother to ask you why cause it's the movie. just the way i like it. no one bothering you with stupid questions like "what happened? do you care to share? is everything okay? do you need help? does anywhere hurt?" gosh. i just feel like asking them to shut their pie holes. i mean, i just need a peaceful time to sort out my feelings, and sometimes, those who asks are just bloody busybodies to spice up their lives with news of others so they can actually have something to talk about.

i mean those people who gossiped the most were people with no life because they would always yak on and on about other people's lives; obviously they thought lowly of their own and found others more exciting than theirs. they would just add and add up sutff that ain't true at all, passing it off as they were actually there in the first place. oh how i hate gossip mongers. get a life will you?

help me. i'm lost and confused. god help me. please.

colour my life.

lovelornlost,

manda.

i went for dinner at the bigfish. it was great. had the lamb shank, and my daily dose of chocolate. the chocolate souffle there rocks, i can't wait to go there again. plus, the host, this croatian guy, was extremely warm and was entertaining, and he rides. ((:

i've been thinking alot. i think i'm going crazy.

weighing me down
like a ton of bricks
just crashing down on me
the heaviness
pulling me down
down, down
down to the fiery hell
that awaits me
waiting for me
to repay for all the sins that i have done
the unforgivable sinner
too much poison can't come undone
despite what others say
the aloofness that i'm feeling
is no more
but the grieveness of it all
everything
why is that so?
why can't things just go the way that you want it to?
why must life be that difficult
or do i just take it the hard way?
or is it actually the easy way out?
am i actually choosing the right route?
i'm so confussed


--i like so need help right now.

heyhey ya'll.

i'm dead bored in my mother's office, waiting to get a haircut.

i just caught she's the man with maz, ade and steven, and it was absolutely hilarious, i highly recomend that you should go watch it. anyway, after watching this show, i realise soccer guys aren't bad at all, and who knew channing tatum was that hot? haha. then, we headed to suntec so that ade could get his mouse and shoes, and ate at carl's jr. it was overall, very ennjoyable. i really had a great time.

anyways, i have gotten over. gotten over it!! i'm fucking happy now. i feel relieved somehow, free again. but i'm fear, cause i'm not sure whether it is actually the end of it all, but please let it be.

as i stood in the train

not thinking at all

just enjoying the ride

time seemed to whize right by

i felt light

yet

once i got of the train

as i climbed those steps

up to the real world again

m legs felt like lead

it was hard to move

i was back to the dreadful real world again

i want to be in my world

where i'm carefree and light

where my life is somehow perfect

eden.

loves,

manda

It’s raining now, plus, it’s a thunderstorm. I love it. I love thunderstorms. I can just sit, and watch as the lightning strikes across the dark sky. The beauty of it all just captivates me, captivates my soul. It’s exhilarating. I can just sit, and watch as the hours pass by, and I won’t get bored at all. It gives me time to reflect.

Hmms, this past week, there’s lessons all round, caleen and I keep on going late, and skipping lessons, cause, we just can’t seem to get up, and I still have to wake her up every single morning. She’s just such a pig! Haha.

MOS at Tuesday wasn’t really such a good experience. It is seriously overrated. It was super crowded, as well as boring, plus, the fashion sucked. , or maybe, it’s just me. And, the dance floor was so packed, and my toes got trampled over and over again. I didn’t had that much fun, or maybe I just need Irene with me. I do miss those times. Haha.

Caught over the hedge yesterday with maz and caleen. It was hilarious, plus, I totally adored hammie! He is just super cute and lovable! I do recommend the movie, get your inner child out. Haha. After that, we headed down to my house to watch some chickflicks. We definitely had a great time, we should do this more often.

Well, I so far had 3 sinful, sinful days, but with xuan, it was seriously fun and crappy, just what I needed, but gosh, we ate SO much. Haha.

I seriously can’t wait for the NINTH!! She’s coming back, FINALLY!! Late nights just talking, talking, and talking. I just miss her so much! There’s just so much going on. And, of course all the fun things that we’re going to do, not to mention crappy. ((: but, anything done with you guys is a bliss, and we will sure enjoy every moment of it.

My friend who remains un-named, she just took the plunge and like just a guy out and so on, you can imagine, cause she really like this guy that much and stuff. Well, things did not go well for her, and, she’s breaking down cause of this. I mean, I don’t really understand, why would you you sell yourself short for this guy. It’s his loss! You’re such a great girl, so yeah, stop fretting. i don't know how much of this i can actually take

call me old fashioned, but I like the guy taking all the initiatives, and even though I’m going gaga over a guy, I won’t do anything, cause, I just like the other person to take initiative, but, it’s just me.
-

-
Am I reading too much into this? If I am, would you just burst this bubble that I’m currently in, I don’t wanna be led on like this, I mean, why I am I just giving my heart so easily like this? i mean, liking someone is okay, but going headoverheelsgaga over someone is certainly NOT okay. i'm never like this, but, then, what am i doing now. i just can't stop thinking, thinking. gosh, my heart is doing flip flops just thinking bout it.

I’m going insane. Crazy insane. Outrageously foolish. I never let myself get lost like this. Why now? Why ever?

And, I think I need to get over this, cause I seriously think it’s going no where. I’m getting pissed at myself now for letting this go out of hand. I mean, feelings can be controlled right?

But, I really hope that it all turns out for the best, and be still my heart.

Oh yeah, thanks for the teddy. I absolutely adore it. ((:

loves,

manda